CULINARY CURIOSITIES

The following specimen of the unaccountably whimsical harlequinade of foreign kitchens is from "La Chapelle" Nouveau Cuisinier, Paris, 1748.

"A turkey," in the shape of "_football_," or "_a hedge-hog_." A "shoulder of mutton," in the shape of a "_bee-hive_."--"Entrée of pigeons," in the form of a "_spider_," or _sun_-fashion, or "in the form of a _frog_," or, in "the form of the _moon_."--Or, "to make a pig taste like a wild boar;" take _a living pig_, and _let him_ swallow the following drink, viz. boil together in vinegar and water, some rosemary, thyme, sweet basil, bay leaves, and sage; when you have _let him_ swallow this, _immediately whip him to death_, and roast him forthwith. How "to still a cocke for a weak bodie that is consumed,--take a red cocke that is not too olde, and beat him to death."--See THE BOOKE OF COOKRYE, very necessary for all such as delight therein. Gathered by A. W., 1591, p. 12. How to ROAST _a pound of_ BUTTER, curiously and well; and to _farce_ (the culinary technical for _to stuff_) a boiled leg of lamb with red herrings and garlic; with many other receipts of as high a relish, and of as easy digestion as the _devil's venison_, i. e. a roasted tiger stuffed with tenpenny nails, or the "_Bonne Bouche_," the rareskin Rowskimowmowsky offered to Baron Munchausen, "a fricassee of pistols, with gunpowder and alcohol sauce."--See the _Adventures of Baron Munchausen_, 12mo. 1792, p. 200; and _the horrible but authentic account of_ ARDESOIF, in MOUBRAY'S _Treatise on Poultry_, 8vo. 1816, p. 18.

But the most extraordinary of all the culinary receipts that have been under my eye, is the following diabolically cruel directions of Mizald, "_how to roast and eat a goose alive_." "Take a GOOSE or a DUCK, or some such _lively creature_, (but a goose is best of all for this purpose,) pull off all her feathers, only the head and neck must be spared: then make a fire round about her, not too close to her, that the smoke do not choke her, and that the fire may not burn her too soon; nor too far off, that she may not escape free: within the circle of the fire let there be set small cups and pots full of water, wherein salt and honey are mingled: and let there be set also chargers full of sodden apples, cut into small pieces in the dish. The goose must be all larded, and basted over with butter, to make her the more fit to be eaten, and may roast the better: put then fire about her, but do not make too much haste, when as you see her begin to roast; for by walking about, and flying here and there, being cooped in by the fire that stops her way out, the unwearied goose is kept in; she will fall to drink the water to quench her thirst and cool her heart, and all her body, and the apple-sauce will make her dung, and cleanse and empty her. And when she roasteth, and consumes inwardly, always wet her head and heart with a wet sponge; and when you see her giddy with running, and begin to stumble, her heart wants moisture, and she is roasted enough. Take her up, set her before your guests, and she will cry as you cut off any part from her, and will be almost eaten up before she be dead; it is mighty pleasant to behold!!"--See WECKER'S _Secrets of Nature_, in folio, London, 1660, p. 148. 309.[33-*]

"We suppose Mr. Mizald stole this receipt from the kitchen of his infernal majesty; probably it might have been one of the dishes the devil ordered when he invited Nero and Caligula to a feast."--_A. C., Jun._

This is also related in BAPTISTA PORTA'S _Natural Magicke_, fol. 1658, p. 321. This very curious (but not scarce) book contains, among other strange tricks and fancies of "the Olden Time," directions, "_how to_ ROAST _and_ BOIL _a fowl at the same time, so that one-half shall be_ ROASTED _and the other_ BOILED;" and "_if you have a lacke of cooks, how to persuade a goose to roast himselfe_!!"--See a second act of the above tragedy in page 80 of the Gentleman's Magazine for January, 1809.

Many articles were in vogue in the 14th century, which are now obsolete. We add the following specimens of the CULINARY AFFAIRS OF DAYS OF YORE.

_Sauce for a goose, A.D. 1381._

"Take a faire panne, and set hit under the goose whill she rostes; and kepe clene the grese that droppes thereof, and put thereto a godele (good deal) of Wyn, and a litel vinegur, and verjus, and onyons mynced, or garlek; then take the gottes (gut) of the goose and slitte hom, and scrape hom clene in water and salt, and so wash hom, and hack hom small, then do all this togedur in a piffenet (pipkin), and do thereto raisinges of corance, and pouder of pepur and of ginger, and of canell and hole clowes and maces, and let hit boyle and serve hit forthe."

"That unwieldy marine animal the PORPUS was dressed in a variety of modes, salted, roasted, stewed, &c. Our ancestors were not singular in their partiality to it; I find, from an ingenious friend of mine, that it is even now, A. D. 1790, sold in the markets of most towns in Portugal; the flesh of it is intolerably hard and rancid."--WARNER'S _Antiq. Cul._ 4to. p. 15.

"The SWAN[33-+] was also a dish of state, and in high fashion when the elegance of the feast was estimated by the magnitude of the articles of which it was composed; the number consumed at the Earl of Northumberland's table, A. D. 1512, amounted to twenty."--_Northumberland Household-book_, p. 108.

"The CRANE was a darling dainty in _William the Conqueror's_ time, and so partial was that monarch to it, that when his prime favourite, William Fitz-Osborne, the steward of the household, served him with a crane scarcely half roasted, the king was so highly exasperated, that he lifted up his fist, and would have strucken him, had not _Eudo_ (appointed _Dapifer_ immediately after) warded off the blow."--WARNER'S _Antiq. Cul._ p. 12.

SEALS, CURLEWS, HERONS, BITTERNS, and the PEACOCK, that noble bird, "the food of lovers and the meat of lords," were also at this time in high fashion, when the baronial entertainments were characterized by a grandeur and pompous ceremonial, approaching nearly to the magnificence of royalty; there was scarcely any royal or noble feast without PECOKKES, which were stuffed with spices and sweet herbs, roasted and served up whole, and covered after dressing with the skin and feathers; the beak and comb gilt, and the tail spread, and some, instead of the feathers, covered it with leaf gold; it was a common dish on grand occasions, and continued to adorn the English table till the beginning of the seventeenth century.

In Massinger's play of "The City Madam," Holdfast, exclaiming against city luxury, says, "three fat wethers bruised, to make sauce for a single peacock."

This bird is one of those luxuries which were often sought, because they were seldom found: its scarcity and external appearance are its only recommendation; the meat of it is tough and tasteless.

Another favourite dish at the tables of our forefathers, was a PIE of stupendous magnitude, out of which, on its being opened, a flock of living birds flew forth, to the no small surprise and amusement of the guests.

"Four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie; When the pie was open'd, the birds began to sing-- Oh! what a dainty dish--'t is fit for any king."

This was a common joke at an old English feast. These _animated_ pies were often introduced "to set on," as Hamlet says, "a quantity of barren spectators to laugh;" there is an instance of a dwarf undergoing such an _incrustation_. About the year 1630, king Charles and his queen were entertained by the duke and dutchess of Buckingham, at Burleigh on the Hill, on which occasion JEFFERY HUDSON, _the dwarf_, was served up in a cold pie.--See WALPOLE'S _Anecdotes of Painting_, vol. ii. p. 14.

The BARON OF BEEF was another favourite and substantial support of old English hospitality.

Among the most polished nations of the 15th and 16th centuries, the _powdered_ (salted) _horse_, seems to have been a dish in some esteem: _Grimalkin_ herself could not escape the undistinguishing fury of the cook. Don Anthony of Guevera, the chronicler to Charles V., gives the following account of a feast at which he was present. "I will tell you no lye, I sawe such kindes of meates eaten, as are wont to be sene, but not eaten--_as a_ HORSE _roasted_--a CAT _in gely_--LYZARDS in hot brothe, FROGGES fried," &c.

While we are thus considering the curious dishes of olden times, we will cursorily mention the _singular diet_ of two or three nations of antiquity, noticed by _Herodotus_, lib. iv. "The _Androphagi_ (the cannibals of the ancient world) greedily devoured the carcasses of their fellow-creatures; while the inoffensive _Cabri_ (a Scythian tribe) found both food and drink in the agreeable nut of the Pontic tree. The _Lotophagi_ lived entirely on the fruit of the _Lotus tree_. The savage _Troglodyte_ esteemed a _living serpent_ the most delicate of all morsels; while the capricious palate of the _Zyguntini_ preferred the _ape_ to every thing."--Vide WARNER'S _Antiq. Cul._ p. 135.

"The Romans, in the luxurious period of their empire, took five meals a day; a breakfast (_jentaculum_;) a dinner, which was a light meal without any formal preparation (_prandium_); a kind of _tea_, as we should call it, between dinner and supper (_merenda_); a supper (_cæna_), which was their great meal, and commonly consisted of two courses; the first of meats, the second, what we call a dessert; and a posset, or something delicious after supper (_commissatio_)."--ADAM'S _Rom. Antiq._ 2d edition, 8vo. 1792, p. 434 and 447.

"The Romans usually began their entertainments with eggs, and ended with fruits; hence, AB OVO USQUE AD MALA, from the beginning to the end of supper, _Horat. Sat._ i. 3. 6; _Cic. Fam._ ix. 20.

"The dishes (_edulia_) held in the highest estimation by the Romans, are enumerated, _Gell._ vii. 16, _Macrob. Sat._ ii. 9, _Martial._ v. 79, ix. 48, xi. 53, &c., a peacock (PAVO), _Horat. Sat._ ii. 2. 23, _Juvenal._ i. 143, first used by Hortensius, the orator, at a supper, which he gave when admitted into the college of priests, (_aditiali cænd sacerdotii_,) Plin. x. 20, s. 23; a pheasant, (PHASIANA, _ex_ Phasi. _Colchidis fluvio_,) Martial. iii. 58, xiii. 72, Senec. ad Helv. 9, Petron. 79, Manil. v. 372; a bird called _Attagen_ vel-_ena_, from Ionia or Phrygia, _Horat. Epod._ ii. 54, _Martial._ xiii. iii. 61, a guinea-hen, (_avis Afra_, Horat. ib. _Gallina Numidica_ vel _Africana_, Juvenal, xi. 142, Martial, xiii. 73); a Melian crane; an Ambracian kid; nightingales, _lusciniæ_; thrushes, _turdi_; ducks, geese, &c. TOMACULUM, (~a temnô~,) _vel_ ISICIUM, (ab _inseco_;) sausages or puddings, _Juvenal._ x. 355. _Martial._ 42. 9, _Petron._ 31."--Vide _ibid._ p. 447.

That the English reader may be enabled to form some idea of the heterogeneous messes with which the Roman palate was delighted, I introduce the following receipt from _Apicius_.

"THICK SAUCE FOR A BOILED CHICKEN.--Put the following ingredients into a mortar: aniseed, dried mint, and lazar-root (similar to assafoetida), cover them with vinegar; add dates; pour in liquamen, oil, and a small quantity of mustard seeds; reduce all to a proper thickness with port wine warmed; and then pour this same over your chicken, which should previously be boiled in anise-seed water."

_Liquamen_ and _Garum_ were synonymous terms for the same thing; the former adopted in the room of the latter, about the age of _Aurelian_. It was a liquid, and thus prepared: the _guts_ of large fish, and a variety of small fish, were put into a vessel and well salted, and exposed to the sun till they became putrid. A liquor was produced in a short time, which being strained off, was the _liquamen_.--Vide LISTER _in Apicium_, p. 16, notes.

_Essence of anchovy_, as it is usually made for sale, when it has been opened about ten days, is not much unlike the Roman _liquamen_. See No. 433. Some suppose it was the same thing as the Russian _Caviar_, which is prepared from the roe of the sturgeon.

The BLACK BROTH of _Lacedæmon_ will long continue to excite the wonder of the philosopher, and the disgust of the epicure. What the ingredients of this sable composition were, we cannot exactly ascertain. _Jul. Pollux_ says, the Lacedæmonian black broth was _blood_, thickened in a certain way: Dr. LISTER (_in Apicium_) supposes it to have been _hog's blood_; if so, this celebrated Spartan dish bore no very distant resemblance to the _black-puddings_ of our days. It could not be a very _alluring_ mess, since a citizen of _Sybaris_ having tasted it, declared it was no longer a matter of astonishment with him, why the _Spartans_ were so fearless of death, since any one in his senses would much rather die, than exist on such execrable food.--Vide _Athenæum_, lib. iv. c. 3. When Dionysius the tyrant had tasted the _black broth_, he exclaimed against it as miserable stuff; the cook replied--"It was no wonder, for the sauce was wanting." "What sauce?" says Dionysius. The answer was,--"_Labour and exercise, hunger and thirst, these are the sauces we Lacedæmonians use_," and they make the coarsest fare agreeable.--CICERO, 3 Tuscul.

FOOTNOTES:

[15-*] "The STOMACH is the grand organ of the human system, upon the state of which all the powers and feelings of the individual depend."--_See_ HUNTER'S _Culina_, p. 13.

"The faculty the stomach has of communicating the impressions made by the various substances that are put into it, is such, that it seems more like a nervous expansion of the brain, than a mere receptacle for food."--Dr. WATERHOUSE'S _Lecture on Health_, p. 4.

[17-*] I wish most heartily that the restorative process was performed by us poor mortals in as easy and simple a manner as it is in "_the cooking animals in the moon_," who "lose no time at their meals; but open their left side, and place the whole quantity at once in their stomachs, then shut it, till the same day in the next month, for they never indulge themselves with food more than twelve times in a year."--_See_ BARON MUNCHAUSEN'S _Travels_, p. 188.

Pleasing the palate is the main end in most books of cookery, but _it is my aim to blend the toothsome with the wholesome_; but, after all, however the hale gourmand may at first differ from me in opinion, the latter is the chief concern; since if he be even so entirely devoted to the pleasure of eating as to think of no other, still the care of his health becomes part of that; if he is sick he cannot relish his food.

"The term _gourmand_, or EPICURE, has been strangely perverted; it has been conceived synonymous with a glutton, '_né pour la digestion_,' who will eat as long as he can sit, and drink longer than he can stand, nor leave his cup while he can lift it; or like the great eater of Kent whom FULLER places among his worthies, and tells us that he did eat with ease _thirty dozens of pigeons_ at one meal; at another, _fourscore rabbits_ and _eighteen yards of black pudding_, London measure!--or a fastidious appetite, only to be excited by fantastic dainties, as the brains of _peacocks_ or _parrots_, the tongues of _thrushes_ or _nightingales_, or the teats of a lactiferous _sow_.

"In the acceptation which I give to the term EPICURE, it means only the person who has good sense and good taste enough to wish to have his food cooked according to scientific principles; that is to say, so prepared that the palate be not offended--that it be rendered easy of solution in the stomach, and ultimately contribute to health; exciting him as an animal to the vigorous enjoyment of those recreations and duties, physical and intellectual, which constitute the happiness and dignity of his nature." For this illustration I am indebted to my scientific friend _Apicius Cælius, Jun._, with whose erudite observations several pages of this work are enriched, to which I have affixed the signature _A. C., Jun._

[18-*] "Although AIR is more immediately necessary to life than FOOD, the knowledge of the latter seems of more importance; it admits certainly of great variety, and a choice is more frequently in our power. A very spare and simple diet has commonly been recommended as most conducive to health; but it would be more beneficial to mankind if we could show them that a pleasant and varied diet was equally consistent with health, as the very strict regimen of Arnard, or the miller of Essex. These, and other abstemious people, who, having experienced the greatest extremities of bad health, were driven to temperance as their last resource, may run out in praises of a simple diet; but the probability is, that nothing but the dread of former sufferings could have given them the resolution to persevere in so strict a course of abstinence, which persons who are in health and have no such apprehension could not be induced to undertake, or, if they did, would not long continue.

"In all cases, great allowance must be made for the weakness of human nature: the desires and appetites of mankind must, to a certain degree, be gratified, and the man who wishes to be most useful will imitate the indulgent parent, who, while he endeavours to promote the true interests of his children, allows them the full enjoyment of all those innocent pleasures which they take delight in. If it could be pointed out to mankind that some articles used as food were hurtful, while others were in their nature innocent, and that the latter were numerous, various, and pleasant, they might, perhaps, be induced to forego those which were hurtful, and confine themselves to those which were innocent."--_See_ Dr. STARK'S _Experiments on Diet_, pp. 89 and 90.

[19-*] See a curious account in COURS GASTRONOMIQUE, p. 145, and in Anacharsis' Travels, Robinson, 1796, vol. ii. p. 58, and _Obs._ and note under No. 493.

[19-+] See the 2d, 3d, and 4th pages of Sir WM. TEMPLE'S _Essay on the Cure of the Gout by Moxa_.

[20-*] "He that would have a _clear head_, must have a _clean stomach_."--Dr. CHEYNE _on Health_, 8vo. 1724, p. 34.

"It is sufficiently manifest how much uncomfortable feelings of the bowels affect the nervous system, and how immediately and completely the general disorder is relieved by an alvine evacuation."--p. 53.

"We cannot reasonably expect tranquillity of the nervous system, while there is disorder of the digestive organs. As we can perceive no permanent source of strength but from the digestion of our food, it becomes important on this account that we should attend to its quantity, quality, and the periods of taking it, with a view to ensure its proper digestion."--ABERNETHY'S _Sur. Obs._ 8vo. 1817, p. 65.

[20-+] "If science can really contribute to the happiness of mankind, it must be in this department; the real comfort of the majority of men in this country is sought for at their own fireside; how desirable does it then become to give every inducement to be at home, by directing all the means of philosophy to increase domestic happiness!"--SYLVESTER'S _Philosophy of Domestic Economy_, 4to. 1819, p. 17.

[20-++] The best books of cookery have been written by physicians.--Sir KENELME DIGBY--Sir THEODORE MAYERNE.--See the last quarter of page 304 of vol. x. of the _Phil. Trans._ for 1675.--Professor BRADLEY--Dr. HILL--Dr. LE COINTE--Dr. HUNTER, &c.

"To understand the THEORY OF COOKERY, we must attend to the action of heat upon the various constituents of alimentary substances as applied directly and indirectly through the medium of some fluid, in the former way as exemplified." In the processes of ROASTING and BOILING, the chief constituents of animal substances undergo the following changes--the _fibrine_ is corrugated, the _albumen_ coagulated, the _gelatine_ and _osmazome_ rendered more soluble in water, the _fat_ liquefied, and the _water_ evaporated.

"If the heat exceed a certain degree, the surface becomes first brown, and then scorched. In consequence of these changes, the muscular fibre becomes opaque, shorter, firmer, and drier; the tendons less opaque, softer, and gluey; the fat is either melted out, or rendered semi-transparent. Animal fluids become more transparent: the albumen is coagulated and separated, and they dissolve gelatine and osmazome.

"Lastly, and what is the most important change, and the immediate object of all cookery, the meat loses the vapid nauseous smell and taste peculiar to its raw state, and it becomes savoury and grateful.

"Heat applied through the intervention of boiling oil, or melted fat, as in FRYING, produces nearly the same changes; as the heat is sufficient to evaporate the water, and to induce a degree of scorching.

"But when water is the medium through which heat is applied--as in BOILING, STEWING, and BAKING, the effects are somewhat different, as the heat never exceeds 212°, which is not sufficient to commence the process of browning or decomposition, and the soluble constituents are removed by being dissolved in the water, forming soup or broth; or, if the direct contact of the water be prevented, they are dissolved in the juices of the meat, and separate in the form of gravy."

Vide Supplement to _Encyclop. Brit. Edin._ vol. iv. p. 344, the article "FOOD," to which we refer our reader as the most scientific paper on the subject we have seen.

[21-*] "Health, beauty, strength, and spirits, and I might add all the faculties of the mind, depend upon the organs of the body; when these are in good order, the thinking part is most alert and active, the contrary when they are disturbed or diseased."--Dr. CADOGAN _on Nursing Children_, 8vo. 1757, p. 5.

[22-*] "We have some good families in England of the name of _Cook_ or _Coke_. I know not what they may think; but they may depend upon it, they all originally sprang from real and professional cooks; and they need not be ashamed of their extraction, any more than the _Parkers, Butlers, &c._"--Dr. PEGGE'S _Forme of Cury_, p. 162.

[22-+] It is said, there are SEVEN _chances against even the most simple dish being presented to the mouth in absolute perfection_; for instance, A LEG OF MUTTON.

1st.--The mutton must be _good_. 2d.--Must have been kept a _good_ time. 3d.--Must be roasted at a _good_ fire. 4th.--By a _good_ cook. 5th.--Who must be in _good_ temper. 6th.--With all this felicitous combination you must have _good_ luck; and, 7th.--_Good_ appetite.--The meat, and the mouths which are to eat it, must be ready for action at the same moment.

[23-*] To guard against "_la gourmandise_" of the second table, "provide each of your servants with a large pair of spectacles of the highest magnifying power, and never permit them to sit down to any meal without wearing them; they are as necessary, and as useful in a kitchen as pots and kettles: they will make a _lark_ look as large as a FOWL, a _goose_ as big as a SWAN, a leg of mutton as large as a hind quarter of beef; a twopenny loaf as large as a quartern;" and as philosophers assure you that pain even is only imaginary, we may justly believe the same of hunger; and if a servant who eats no more than one pound of food, imagines, by the aid of these glasses, that he has eaten three pounds, his hunger will be as fully satisfied--and the addition to your optician's account, will soon be overpaid by the subtraction from your butcher's and baker's.

[25-*] Much real reformation might be effected, and most grateful services obtained, if families which consist wholly of females, would take servants recommended from the MAGDALEN--PENITENTIARY--or GUARDIAN--who seek to be restored to virtuous society.

"_Female servants_ who pursue an honest course, have to travel, in their peculiar orbit, through a more powerfully resisting medium than perhaps any other class of people in civilized life; they should be treated with something like Christian kindness: for want of this, a fault which might at the time have been easily amended has become the source of interminable sorrow."

"By the clemency and benevolent interference of two mistresses known to the writer, two servants have become happy wives, who, had they been in some situations, would have been literally outcasts."

A most laudable SOCIETY for the ENCOURAGEMENT of FEMALE SERVANTS, by a gratuitous registry, and by rewards, was instituted in 1813; plans of which may be had _gratis_ at the Society's House, No. 10, Hatton Garden. The above is an extract from the REV. H. G. WATKINS'S _Hints to Heads of Families_, a work well deserving the attentive consideration of inexperienced housekeepers.

[26-*] The greatest care should be taken by the man of fashion, that his cook's health be preserved: one hundredth part of the attention usually bestowed on his dog, or his horse, will suffice to regulate her animal system.

"Cleanliness, and a proper ventilation to carry off smoke and steam, should be particularly attended to in the construction of a kitchen; the grand scene of action, the fire-place, should be placed where it may receive plenty of light; hitherto the contrary has prevailed, and the poor cook is continually basted with her own perspiration."--_A. C., Jun._

"The most experienced artists in cookery cannot be certain of their work without tasting: they must be incessantly tasting. The spoon of a good cook is continually passing from the stewpan to his tongue; nothing but frequent tasting his sauces, ragoûts, &c. can discover to him what progress they have made, or enable him to season a soup with any certainty of success; his palate, therefore, must be in the highest state of excitability, that the least fault may be perceived in an instant.

"But, alas! the constant empyreumatic fumes of the stoves, the necessity of frequent drinking, and often of bad beer, to moisten a parched throat; in short, every thing around him conspires quickly to vitiate the organs of taste; the palate becomes blunted; its quickness of feeling and delicacy, on which the sensibility of the organs of taste depends, grows daily more obtuse; and in a short time the gustatory nerve becomes quite unexcitable.

"IF YOU FIND YOUR COOK NEGLECT HIS BUSINESS--that his _ragoûts_ are too highly spiced or salted, and his cookery has too much of the '_haut goût_,' you may be sure that _his index of taste_ wants regulating; his palate has lost its sensibility, and it is high time to call in the assistance of the apothecary.

"'_Purger souvent_' is the grand maxim in all kitchens where _le Maître d'Hôtel_ has any regard for the reputation of his table. _Les Bons Hommes de Bouche_ submit to the operation without a murmur; to bind others, it should be made the first condition in hiring them. Those who refuse, prove they were not born to become masters of their art; and their indifference to fame will rank them, as they deserve, among those slaves who pass their lives in as much obscurity as their own stewpans."

To the preceding observations from the "_Almanach des Gourmands_," we may add, that the _Mouthician_ will have a still better chance of success, if he can prevail on his master to observe the same _régime_ which he orders for his cook; or, instead of endeavouring to awaken an idle appetite by reading the index to a cookery book, or an additional use of the pepper-box and salt-cellar, rather seek it from abstinence or exercise;--the philosophical _gourmand_ will consider that the edge of our appetite is generally keen, in proportion to the activity of our other habits; let him attentively peruse our "PEPTIC PRECEPTS," &c. which briefly explain the art of refreshing the gustatory nerves, and of invigorating the whole system. See in the following chapter on INVITATIONS TO DINNER--A recipe to make FORTY PERISTALTIC PERSUADERS.

[27-*] "She must be quick and strong of sight; her hearing most acute, that she may be sensible when the contents of her vessels bubble, although they be closely covered, and that she may be alarmed before the pot boils over; her auditory nerve ought to discriminate (when several saucepans are in operation at the same time) the simmering of one, the ebullition of another, and the full-toned wabbling of a third.

"It is imperiously requisite that her organ of smell be highly susceptible of the various effluvia, that her nose may distinguish the perfection of aromatic ingredients, and that in animal substances it shall evince a suspicious accuracy between tenderness and putrefaction; above all, her olfactories should be tremblingly alive to mustiness and empyreuma.

"It is from the exquisite sensibility of her palate, that we admire and judge of the cook; from the alliance between the olfactory and sapid organs, it will be seen that their perfection is indispensable."--_A. C., Jun._

[28-*] A facetious _gourmand_ suggests that the old story of "lighting a candle to the devil," probably arose from this adage--and was an offering presented to his infernal majesty by some epicure who was in want of a cook.

[29-*] "A gentlewoman being at table, abroad or at home, must observe to keep her body straight, and lean not by any means with her elbows, nor by ravenous gesture discover a voracious appetite: talk not when you have _meat_ in your _mouth_; and do not smack like _a pig_, nor venture to eat _spoonmeat_ so hot that the tears stand in your eyes, which is as unseemly as the _gentlewoman_ who pretended to have as little a _stomach_ as she had a _mouth_, and therefore would not swallow her _pease_ by spoonfuls; but took them one by one, and cut them in two before she would eat them. It is very uncomely to drink so large a _draught_ that your _breath_ is almost gone--and are forced to blow strongly to recover yourself--throwing down your _liquor_ as into a _funnel_ is an action fitter for a juggler than a _gentlewoman_: thus much for your observations in general; if I am defective as to particulars, your own _prudence, discretion, and curious observations_ will supply."

"In CARVING at your own _table_, distribute the best pieces first, and it will appear very comely and decent to use a _fork_; so touch no piece of _meat_ without it."

"_Mem._ The English are indebted to TOM CORYAT for introducing THE FORK, for which they called him _Furcifer_."--See his _Crudities_, vol. i. p. 106.--Edit. 1776, 8vo.

[30-*] "Almost all arts and sciences are more or less encumbered with vulgar errors and prejudices, which avarice and ignorance have unfortunately sufficient influence to preserve, by help (or hindrance) of mysterious, undefinable, and not seldom unintelligible, technical terms--Anglicè, nicknames--which, instead of enlightening the subject it is professedly pretended they were invented to illuminate, serve but to shroud it in almost impenetrable obscurity; and, in general, so extravagantly fond are the professors of an art of keeping up all the pomp, circumstance, and mystery of it, and of preserving the accumulated prejudices of ages past undiminished, that one might fairly suppose those who have had the courage and perseverance to overcome these obstacles, and penetrate the veil of science, were delighted with placing difficulties in the way of those who may attempt to follow them, on purpose to deter them from the pursuit, and that they cannot bear others should climb the hill of knowledge by a readier road than they themselves did: and such is _l'esprit de corps_, that as their predecessors supported themselves by serving it out _gradatim et stillatim_, and retailing with a sparing hand the information they so hardly obtained, they find it convenient to follow their example: and, willing to do as they have been done by, leave and bequeath the inheritance undiminished to those who may succeed them."--See p. 10 of Dr. KITCHINER _on Telescopes_, 12mo. 1825, printed for Whittaker, Ave Maria Lane.

[32-*] "In the present language of cookery, there has been a woful departure from the simplicity of our ancestors,--such a farrago of unappropriate and unmeaning terms, many corrupted from the French, others disguised from the Italian, some misapplied from the German, while many are a disgrace to the English. What can any person suppose to be the meaning of _a shoulder of lamb in epigram_, unless it were a poor dish, for a pennyless poet? _Aspect of fish_, would appear calculated for an astrologer; and _shoulder of mutton surprised_, designed for a sheep-stealer."--_A. C., Jun._

[33-*] See note to No. 59 how to plump the liver of a goose.

[33-+] "It is a curious illustration of the _de gustibus non eat disputandum_, that the ancients considered the _swan_ as a high delicacy, and abstained from the flesh of the _goose_ as impure and indigestible."--MOUBRAY _on Poultry_, p. 36.

INVITATIONS TO DINNER

In "the affairs of the mouth" the strictest punctuality is indispensable; the GASTRONOMER ought to be as accurate an observer of time, as the ASTRONOMER. The least delay produces fatal and irreparable misfortunes.

Almost all other ceremonies and civil duties may be put off for several hours without much inconvenience, and all may be postponed without absolute danger. A little delay may try the patience of those who are waiting; but the act itself will be equally perfect and equally valid. Procrastination sometimes is rather advantageous than prejudicial. It gives time for reflection, and may prevent our taking a step which would have made us miserable for life; the delay of a courier has prevented the conclusion of a convention, the signing of which might have occasioned the ruin of a nation.

If, from affairs the most important, we descend to our pleasures and amusements, we shall find new arguments in support of our assertions. The putting off of a rendezvous, or a ball, &c. will make them the more delightful. To _hope_ is to _enjoy_.

"Man never is, but always to be blest."

The anticipation of pleasure warms our imagination, and keeps those feelings alive, which possession too often extinguishes.

"'Tis _expectation_ only makes us blest; _Enjoyment_ disappoints us at the best."

Dr. Johnson has most sagaciously said; "Such is the state of life, that none are happy, but by the anticipation of change: the change itself is nothing: when we have made it, the next wish is, immediately to change again."

However singular our assertions may have at first appeared to those who have not considered the subject, we hope by this time we have made converts of our readers, and convinced the "_Amateurs de Bonne Chère_" of the truth and importance of our remarks; and that they will remember, that DINNER is the only act of the day which cannot be put off with impunity, for even FIVE MINUTES.

In a well-regulated family, all the clocks and watches should agree; on this depends the fate of the dinner; what would be agreeable to the stomach, and restorative to the system, if served at FIVE o'clock, will be uneatable and innutritive and indigestible at A QUARTER PAST.

The dining-room should be furnished with a good-going clock; the space over the kitchen fire-place with another, vibrating in unison with the former, so placed, that the cook may keep one eye on the clock, and the other on the spit, &c. She will calculate to a minute the time required to roast a large capon or a little lark, and is equally attentive to the degree of heat of her stove, and the time her sauce remains on it, when to withdraw the bakings from the oven, the roast from the spit, and the stew from the pan.

With all our love of punctuality, the first consideration must still be, that the dinner "be well done, when 't is done."

It is a common fault with cooks who are anxious about time, to overdress every thing--the guests had better wait than the dinner--a little delay will improve their appetite; but if the dinner waits for the guests, it will be deteriorated every minute: the host who wishes to entertain his friends with food perfectly well dressed, while he most earnestly endeavours to impress on their minds the importance of being punctual to the appointed hour, will still allow his cook a quarter of an hour's grace.

The old adage that "the eye is often bigger than the belly," is often verified by the ridiculous vanity of those who wish to make an appearance above their fortune. Nothing can be more ruinous to real comfort than the too common custom of setting out a table, with a parade and a profusion, unsuited not only to the circumstances of the hosts, but to the number of the guests; or more fatal to true hospitality, than the multiplicity of dishes which luxury has made fashionable at the tables of the great, the wealthy, and the ostentatious, who are, often, neither great nor wealthy.

Such pompous preparation, instead of being a compliment to our guests, is nothing better than an indirect offence; it is a tacit insinuation, that it is absolutely necessary to provide such delicacies to bribe the depravity of their palates, when we desire the pleasure of their company; and that society now, must be purchased, at the same price SWIFT told POPE he was obliged to pay for it in Ireland. "I should hardly prevail to find one visiter, if I were not able to hire him with a bottle of wine." Vide Swift's letters to Pope, July 10th, 1732.

When twice as much cooking is undertaken as there are servants, or conveniences in the kitchen to do it properly, dishes must be dressed long before the dinner hour, and stand by spoiling--the poor cook loses her credit, and the poor guests get indigestions. Why prepare for eight or ten friends, more than sufficient for twenty or thirty visiters? "Enough is as good as a feast," and a prudent provider, who sensibly takes measure of the stomachic, instead of the SILLY ocular, appetite of his guests, may entertain his friends, three times as often, and ten times as well.

It is your SENSELESS SECOND COURSES--ridiculous variety of WINES, LIQUEURS, ICES,[38-*] DESSERTS, &c.--which are served up merely to feed the eye, or pamper palled appetite, that _overcome the stomach and paralyze digestion_, and seduce "children of a larger growth" to sacrifice the health and comfort of several days, for the baby-pleasure of tickling their tongue for a few minutes, with trifles and custards!!! &c. &c.

"INDIGESTION will sometimes overtake the most experienced epicure; when the gustatory nerves are in good humour, hunger and savoury viands will sometimes seduce the tongue of a '_grand gourmand_' to betray the interests of his stomach in spite of his brains.

"On such an unfortunate occasion, when the stomach sends forth eructant[38-+] signals of distress, the _peristaltic persuaders_ are as agreeable and effectual assistance as can be offered; and for delicate constitutions, and those that are impaired by age or intemperance, are a valuable panacea.

"They derive, and deserve this name, from the peculiar mildness of their operation. One or two very gently increase the action of the principal viscera, help them to do their work a little faster, and enable the stomach to serve with an ejectment whatever offends it, and move it into the bowels.

"Thus _indigestion_ is easily and speedily removed, _appetite_ restored, the mouths of the absorbing vessels being cleansed, _nutrition_ is facilitated, and _strength_ of body, and _energy_ of mind, are the happy results." See "PEPTIC PRECEPTS," from which we extract the following prescription--

To make FORTY PERISTALTIC PERSUADERS,

Turkey rhubarb, finely pulverized, two drachms, Syrup (by weight), one drachm, Oil of carraway, ten drops (minims), Made into pills, each of which will contain _three grains of rhubarb_.

"The DOSE OF THE PERSUADERS must be adapted to the constitutional peculiarity of the patient. When you wish to accelerate or augment the alvine exoneration, take two, three, or more, according to the effect you desire to produce. _Two pills_ will do as much for one person, as _five or six_ will for another: they will generally very regularly perform what you wish to-day, without interfering with what you hope will happen to-morrow; and are therefore as convenient an argument against constipation as any we are acquainted with.

"The most convenient opportunity to introduce them to the stomach, is early in the morning, when it is unoccupied, and has no particular business of digestion, &c. to attend to--i. e. at least half an hour before breakfast. Physic must never interrupt the stomach, when it is busy in digesting food.

"From two to four persuaders will generally produce one additional motion, within twelve hours. They may be taken at any time by the most delicate females, whose constitutions are so often distressed by constipation, and destroyed by the drastic purgatives they take to relieve it."

The cloth[39-*] should be laid in the parlour, and all the paraphernalia of the dinner-table completely arranged, at least half an hour before dinner-time.

The cook's labour will be lost, if the parlour-table be not ready for action, and the eaters ready for the eatables, which the least delay will irreparably injure: therefore, the GOURMAND will be punctual for the sake of gratifying his ruling passion; the INVALID, to avoid the danger of encountering an _indigestion_ from eating ill-dressed food; and the RATIONAL EPICURE, who happily attends the banquet with "_mens sana in corpore sano_," will keep the time not only for these strong reasons, but that he may not lose the advantage of being introduced to the other guests. He considers not only what is on the table, but who are around it: his principal inducement to leave his own fireside, is the charm of agreeable and instructive society, and the opportunity of making connexions, which may augment the interest and enjoyment of existence.

It is the most pleasing part of the duty of the master of the feast (especially when the guests are not very numerous), to take advantage of these moments to introduce them to one another, naming them individually in an audible voice, and adroitly laying hold of those ties of acquaintanceship or profession which may exist between them.

This will much augment the pleasures of the festive board, to which it is indeed as indispensable a prelude, as an overture is to an opera: and the host will thus acquire an additional claim to the gratitude of his guests. We urge this point more strongly, because, from want of attention to it, we have seen more than once persons whom many kindred ties would have drawn closely together, pass an entire day without opening their lips to each other, because they were mutually ignorant of each other's names, professions, and pursuits.

To put an end at once to all ceremony as to the order in which the guests are to sit, it will save much time and trouble, if the mistress of the mansion adopts the simple and elegant method of placing the name of each guest in the plate which is intended for him. This proceeding will be of course the result of consideration, and the host will place those together whom he thinks will harmonize best.

_Le Journal des Dames_ informs us, that in several fashionable houses in Paris, a new arrangement has been introduced in placing the company at a dinner-table.

"The ladies first take their places, leaving intervals for the gentlemen; after being seated, each is desired to call on a gentleman to sit beside her; and thus the lady of the house is relieved from all embarrassment of _étiquette_ as to rank and pretensions," &c.

But, without doubt, says the Journalist, this method has its inconveniences.

"It may happen that a bashful beauty dare not name the object of her secret wishes; and an acute observer may determine, from a single glance, that the _elected_ is not always the _chosen_."

If the party is large, the founders of the feast may sit in the middle of the table, instead of at each end, thus they will enjoy the pleasure of attending equally to all their friends; and being in some degree relieved from the occupation of carving, will have an opportunity of administering all those little attentions which contribute so much to the comfort of their guests.

If the GUESTS have any respect for their HOST, or prefer a well-dressed dinner to one that is spoiled, instead of coming half an hour after, they will take care to make their appearance a quarter of an hour before the time appointed.

The operations of the cook are governed by the clock; the moment the roasts, &c. are ready, they must go to the table, if they are to be eaten in perfection.

An invitation to come at FIVE o'clock seems to be generally understood to mean _six_; FIVE PRECISELY, _half past five_; and NOT LATER THAN FIVE (so that dinner may be on the table within five minutes after, allowing this for the variation of watches), FIVE O'CLOCK EXACTLY.

Be it known to all loyal subjects of the empire of good-living, that the COMMITTEE OF TASTE have unanimously resolved, that "an invitation to ETA. BETA. PI. must be in writing, and sent at least ten days before the banquet; and must be answered in writing (as soon as possible after it is received), within twenty-four hours at least," especially if it be not accepted: then, in addition to the usual complimentary expressions of thanks, &c. the best possible reasons must be assigned for the non-acceptance, as a particular pre-engagement, or severe indisposition, &c. Before the bearer of it delivers it, he should ascertain if the person it is directed to is at home; if he is not, when he will be; and if he is not in town, to bring the summons back.

Nothing can be more disobliging than a refusal which is not grounded on some very strong and unavoidable cause,--except not coming at the appointed hour;--"according to the laws of conviviality, a certificate from a sheriff's officer, a doctor, or an undertaker, are the only pleas which are admissible. The duties which invitation imposes do not fall only on the persons invited, but, like all other social duties, are reciprocal.

"As he who has accepted an invitation cannot disengage himself from it; the master of the feast cannot put off the entertainment on any pretence whatever. Urgent business, sickness, not even death itself, can dispense with the obligation which he is under of giving the entertainment for which he has sent out invitations, which have been accepted; for in the extreme cases of compulsory absence, or death, his place may be filled by his friend or executor."--_Vide le Manuel des Amphitryons_, 8vo. _Paris_, 1808; and _Cours Gastronomique_, 1809; to which the reader is referred for farther instructions.

It is the least punishment that a blundering, ill-bred booby can receive, who comes half an hour after the time he was bidden, to find the soup removed, and the fish cold: moreover, for such an offence, let him also be _mulcted_ in a pecuniary penalty, to be applied to the FUND FOR THE BENEFIT OF DECAYED COOKS. This is the least punishment that can be inflicted on one whose silence, or violation of an engagement, tends to paralyze an entertainment, and to draw his friend into useless expense.

BOILEAU, the French satirist, has a shrewd observation on this subject. "I have always been punctual at the hour of dinner," says the bard; "for I knew, that all those whom I kept waiting at that provoking interval, would employ those unpleasant moments to sum up all my faults.--BOILEAU is indeed a man of genius, a very honest man; but that dilatory and procrastinating way he has got into, would mar the virtues of an angel."

There are some who seldom keep an appointment: we can assure them they as seldom "'scape without whipping," and exciting those murmurs which inevitably proceed from the best-regulated stomachs, when they are empty, and impatient to be filled.

The most amiable animals when hungry become ill-tempered: our best friends employ the time they are kept waiting, in recollecting and repeating any real faults we have, and attributing to us a thousand imaginary ones.

Ill-bred beings, who indulge their own caprice, regardless how they wound the feelings of others, if they possess brilliant and useful talents, may occasionally be endured as convenient tools; but deceive themselves sadly, even though they possess all the wisdom, and all the wit in the world, if they fancy they can ever be esteemed as friends.

Wait for no one: as soon as the clock strikes, say grace, and begin the business of the day,

"And good digestion wait on appetite, And health on both."